Wetdryvac (@Wetdryvac@landofkittens.social):
The Violent Premeditated Doom of a Misbegotten Toaster
——
Ergonomic No
March 15, 2022
one would suppose
toaster design to be solved
very close to the day the first metal grid
got a lid, held over gentle coals
that expansion from there
beyond the basics of slots
crumb tray, easy cleaning
and the most basic of timers
was enough
instead, that blue LCD
steals kitchen’s warmth
in one minute increments
someone from central services
having clearly never toasted anything
expect perhaps worker exploitation
violating basic toast policies
one layer of disconnect
after another
eventually it becomes necessary
to get an old new toaster
perhaps hot flat rocks
some butter – and clean socks
to avoid toast preparation burns
to discard that old toaster
in threatening example
to the other appliances
each with its own cold blue eye
chattering away its observations
on the internet of things
hacksaw, right down the center
collecting every bit of grit
in the proper steel baking sheet
for cookies no-one should eat
the rented metal grinder set
kitchen center, lowest setting
finest grind, a Turkish coffee
for just one half of that loathsome thing
sintering unit – not rented
always buy the sintering unit, regardless cost
converting well ground toaster
into decorative hammer plate
complete with twining roses
and seven pounds of tungsten backweight
that one might
several beautiful crating days later
annihilate the toaster’s remaining half
with its own self
in under sixteen seconds
a dominance display
in quick and slow
for other appliances
who know exactly
to the very second
what they've become
